Family and Domestic Violence:

Has anyone in your family or household ever put you down, humiliated you, or tried to control what you can or cannot do?  Has someone in your family or household ever hurt or threatened to hurt you?  Are you worried about the safety of your chidren or someone lese in your family or household?  If so, but you are not sure what to do you might consider making an appointment to explore what is going on and what you might decide to do to be safer.

So what behaviour is considered to be family and domestic violence?  Some people think that it is not family violence unless it involves a physical injury that warrants medical assistance.  That is not the case.

There is usually a lot of behaviour that takes place before or once behaviour has become physically violent:

Verbal Abuse/Violent language;

Emotional/Psychological Abuse and Manipulation;

Isolation of a partner from the support of the partner’s family and friends;

Extreme jealousy and possessiveness;

Monitoring (stalking) a partner’s movements and contacts;

Creating financial control of the parter and financial dependance for the parter and even theft from partner’s assets;

Spiritual abuse (control of ideas/values and involvement in spiritual or cultural practices);

Harming or using the children to get to or manipulate an ex-partner or that person's new partner;

Involving children as message carriers or involving them in information that is not appropriate;

Using coercion and threats;

Using intimidation and tactical ill-treatment;

Assuming a right or sense of privilege in the relationship (entitlement);

Abuse of sexual choices/values.

Gas-lighting (using cunning and deceit to get you to distrust your own version of events or reality) - see more on gas-lighting below.

Another key issue is that once violence begins there is exposure of children to violence. In many cases the violence starts during pregnancy.  In some cases the baby is harmed while still in the mother's body.

Things that serve to keep any harmful or aggressive behaviours going include:

Avoiding (actively choosing to dismiss concerns and refusing to keep promises to get help to make changes);

Denying (choosing to deny the problem behaviours with half-truths, lies or denial that aggression took place);

Blaming (shifting responsibility onto the partner or others for one’s own behaviours);

Justifying (trying to give reasons to excuse the actions rather than taking responsibility);

Minimising (making a problem behaviour/action sound much smaller than it is in reality).

Many of the behaviours listed above continue after a relationship has ended.  So in many cases safety plans need to continue long after a separation. 

In this clip you will see a man being challenged about "justifying" and neglecting to notice how uncomfortable he makes situations (videoed while in a men's behaviour change programme):

Risks of Violence:

Risks are greatly increased when the aggressive Ex/Partner:

□ is escalating frequency and severity of violence

□ is escalating reckless acts

□ has access to weapons

□ is violent towards others

□ is abusing substances

□ threatens suicide

□ has homicidal/suicidal fantasy

□ assaults during pregnancy

□ displays a sense of “ownership”

□ displays dependence on the partner

□ is depressed

□ is separated

□ is faced with child support responsibilities

□ still has access to family members that have been victimised

□ has held someone hostage

□ knows the victimised person has contacted law enforcement

□ is aware the ex-partner is re-partnering

□ is expecting a divorce to become finalised.

Family violence can also come from teenagers towards the other children and to parents. 

Family violence/abuse can also come from adult children towards aging parents. (phone Advocare if you live in Western Australia to report this abuse)

Family violence/abuse is not restricted to heterosexual relationships.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting uses manipulation to strategically sow seeds of doubt in a targetted person, or members of a group, hoping to make the targets question their memory, perception or sanity.  Strategies include denial of things believed or witnessed by others, misdirection (deliberately directing someone to the wrong place or in the wrong direction), contradiction, and outright lying.  Sometimes small elements of a story will be changed to create subtle doubts in their targets' minds.  Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or blaming the other perty for their own actions, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

The effects for targetted people are typically:

gradual erosion of confidence

increasing self-doubt

confusion

fear their own minds are letting them down

increasing reluctance to challenge the other person's view

The term 'gas-lighting' comes from the systematic psychological manipulation of a victimised person by the main character in the 1938 stage play 'Gas Light.'  (Adapted from here)

How Do I Turn Off Location Tracking on My Phone?

If you think you need to protect your mobile phone's location information from being tracked click here. If you need more help protecting your digital information and you live in Perth contact Safe at Home.

To make an appointment to do a thorough Family and Domestic Violence assessment and create a safety plan use the contact details above (to the right).  If you live in Western Australia and need emergency support or housing so you can leave an unsafe sitution contact Crisis Care Helpline or contact 1800RESPECT:

1800 737 732 - 24 hour 7 days a week, confidential telephone and online support - 1800RESPECT is not only a support service for people affected by sexual assault, domestic and family violence. It is also an information and support service for family, friends, and frontline workers.

Daisy is a phone app that connects women who are experiencing or have experienced sexual assault, domestic and family violence to services in their state and local area. Daisy provides women with an easy way to find a wide range of services.  For instructions on how to download the Daisy app for your phone visit here.